-------------------------------------------- For Immediate Release-------------------------------------------------------------

A nationwide and perhaps internationally reaching fraud of massive proportions has been uncovered. “The perpetrators of the scam are overwhelmingly middle aged unemployed men. They don’t fit the typical con-artist or sexual offender model.” Said local bureau chief Ida Bozman. The full extent and reach of the fraud remains to be determined. “Basically they have used their intelligence and cunning to infiltrate nearly every community in America.” Remarked Bozman.

At least 19 suspects were apprehended. As many as ten thousand or more suspects remain on the lam.
Residents were encouraged to take note of suspicious men wearing reading glasses, carrying worn out briefcases, and speaking in high-falutin dialect.

“The thing about these so called professors is that they don’t even know anything about anything,” said local resident Todd McGivney.

“They lack mechanical skills, they can barely boot up a computer much less retrieve a lost file or install a program. I doubt they could even fix a flat.” Added technical consultant Diane Brewerstein.

Apparently, the professors posed as learned, degreed professionals in an attempt to con middle income families out of their savings, and plunge young adults into decades of debt.

“Most of them weren’t even in it for the money.” Revealed chief Bozman. “Many simply got off on influencing impressionable young minds. For some it was all about being around young teenage women. We still don’t know how many of our daughters were coerced into developing romantic attachments.”

Apparently, these “professors” used grandiose language, thought provoking discussion, colorful, shiny textbooks, and engaging debate to mold the minds of young adults, influence their thought process, and in some cases, engage in fornication.

“He always had the right words, you know,” confessed Melanie, an attractive former student, now working as a data-entry specialist. “He was, well you know, really thought provoking. I started going over to his house for study sessions and next thing you know it just happened.”

Eva Ostrozinski is a foreign exchange student from Hungary. She has been living with a host family while pursuing credits towards a degree in electrical engineering. “In my country,” she said, “If old man wants to, um, spend time with a teenage girl, he must pay lots of money. Here, in your country, it is very different.”

Apparently, the bedroom antics crossed gender lines. “Let’s face it,” said Chief Bozman. “It wasn’t just our daughters they were after.”

Whether the professors were in violation of any legal codes remains under investigation. The damage incurred to their souls, however, could be tantamount to an eternal sentence of damnation. “We are all sinners.” Offered Cardinal Bryan Mousington. “But these men are perhaps some of the worst.” The Cardinal was holding an emergency service to offer prayers of healing and comfort to the numerous victims.

The justice department has declined to release an official statement. However, an inside source revealed that officials high up in the department are considering a bill that would call for the immediate relocation of all professors to flood prone areas in the Midwest. They would be given 30 days to vacate their positions and would be allowed as many books as they can carry.

When questioned about the legality of such a move an official, who requested anonymity, commented “It’s not forced relocation because we’re offering them a choice. They are free to stay or go. Of course if they stay they’ll be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law . . . as soon as we’re finished crafting it.”

A spokesman for the Professors Union denied all the charges and claimed they were part of some sinister, far reaching conspiracy theory.

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